My Worst Moments

In the previous entry I wrote about how blogging paints an unclear picture of our lives because during blogging we tend to focus only on the interesting things, thus perhaps giving the impression that someone’s life is more interesting than it actually is.

Continuing in that vein of thinking, the other obvious problem is that sometimes we might give into the temptation to write only about the events which put us in a good light, and leave out all the times we do something stupid. I began to wonder if I haven’t been guilty of that during the year and a half I’ve kept this blog up.

I thought it might be a good exercise in humility to force myself to write down all the stupid things I’ve done since I came to Japan. Not just funny little self-deprecating antidotes, but really stupid stuff. Stuff that is so embarrassingly stupid that it’s almost painful to think about; that when it comes into my mind I want to just shut my eyes and cringe, and say to myself, “How could you possibly have been so stupid.”

(I guess I could have written about all the stupid things I’ve done over my whole life, but then the subject would become to vast to deal with. Plus there might be a temptation to dismiss the older stories as stupid stuff I did while I was still growing up and developing, and therefore doesn’t represent the person I am today. But since I arrived in Japan at the age of 23, I can’t use that excuse for anything that I’ve down since I arrived.)

Once I began to collect stories in my mind, I decided that actually most of them, for one reason or another, were inappropriate to post on the internet. Perhaps I was too lenient on myself, but I ended up eliminating the majority of the stories. However, I think you’ll agree that even if the most stupid and embarrassing things have been self-censored, what is left is still some terrible examples of human stupidity.

One final note before I get started. Neichze once said that he who despises himself still respects himself as one who despises. (Actually I don’t read philosophy, but I do watch a lot of movies. You may remember that quote from “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind.”) This shows the problematic nature of self-humility. For one thing there is a temptation to split the self into two halves, one which committed the stupid deed, and one which recognizes and condemns the stupidity. Secondly, even in moments of self-reproach, the very act of writing about oneself betrays a certain amount of self-centeredness. But then, you’re probably used to that on this blog by now. Anyway, with those two caveats made, I’m going to go ahead and proceed.

Stupid thing number 1.
When I lived in Ajimu I used to teach an English Conversation class on Wednesday nights. The class was intended for adults, but some of my junior high school students would sometimes come to the class, and I was pleased with this. I don’t know how much they got out of my class, but I was happy they were enthusiastic enough about English to come on their own time.

To help create an informal atmosphere in the class, I always reserved the last 30 minutes for just free conversation. The idea was to talk in English, but since I was the only native English speaker at the table, the conversation would often just naturally revert to Japanese, and I tried not to be too strict about it.

One day we were talking about the usage of Japanese names, and among those present was a junior high school student and her mother. They were explaining to me how adults were called by their last names, but students were called by their first names. “But sometimes the teachers call you by your last names,” I said to the student. “Like last week when the teacher yelled at you, ‘Ms. Sato, don’t sleep in my class.’”

Honestly, what I was thinking I don’t know. My mind was still stuck on college setting, as if I were out with a bunch of my buddies from college, and I would say something to embarrass one of them, and they would all laugh, and then he would say something to embarrass me back.

For whatever reason, my brain lapsed long enough for me to forget that this kind of banter might not be appropriate when directed at my student in front of her mother. The student immediately looked fearfully at her mother. There was a tense moment, and then the mother said to her, “Its okay. I know you’ve been up late studying every night.”

That was the end of my good relations with that particular student. She used to be one of my friendlier students, but from that moment on until she graduated, every time I passed her in the hallway she would glare at me instead of smile.

Stupid thing number 2
I don’t know if this is just me, or if this is something more universal that a lot of guys do, but I tend to regard every pretty face I see as a potential romantic interest. Or that is to say I show interest in just about every girl I meet. And it is not until I notice that a girl is showing interest back at me that my brain begins to kick in, and I start to think about whether this is something I want to pursue or not. Unfortunately by the time that happens, the girl is often convinced I like her, and it is hard to get out of the situation easily without hurt feelings.

This characteristic tends to lead to a lot of awkward situations. The worst example was probably at Calvin College, when I already had a girlfriend. 　I met another girl outside my usual circle of friends and she was unaware that I was dating someone. Such was my characteristic that the fact that I already had a girlfriend didn’t stop me from being friendly with this other girl, until I realized that she really liked me back, and only then did my brain began to kick in and I realized that this situation had the potential to become really messy. I tried to down grade my friendliness to this girl in question, but it was too little too late. When she was saying good-bye to me for the summer, she embraced me and attempted to kiss me, but I resisted.

It was probably the worst way I could have possibly handled that situation. Of course the ideal thing to do would have been to explain to her long before that I already had a girlfriend, but even failing that, and given the circumstances at the time, I should have at least spared her the embarrassment of turning away when she tried to kiss me. She was left completely embarrassed and red faced. It would have been harmless enough to kiss her at the time, and then I could have explained things afterwards. What can I say? I’m an idiot.

But that was Calvin. And at Calvin I never really got that much attention from girls anyway. But now as a foreigner in Japan, I receive that much more attention from girls, and, given my stupidity, it tends to get me into that much more trouble.

There was a similar situation played out in Japan. At one point there was one girl I had been paying a lot of attention to, and then I noticed that she liked me back, and my brain kicked in and for the first time I began to think if this was a relationship I wanted to pursue or not. I debated the merits for maybe a couple of weeks. During this time I tried to keep my options open by paying her just enough attention to make sure she stayed interested, but trying not to overdue it. Eventually I decided I wasn’t interested in pursuing this girl, and did my best to try and down play things.

A couple months later, I eventually hooked up with another girl. I was still in contact with the first girl, but I had been ignoring her lately, and I was pretty sure that she had gotten the message that I was no longer interested.

But I was wrong. One day I was at the bar playing pool with my new girlfriend. I got a cell phone e-mail from the other girl asking what I was doing. I said I was at the bar. She asked if there were a lot of people there. I answered truthfully that there was hardly anyone here, and that, given how empty the bar was, it probably wasn’t worth her coming over. She e-mailed again to say she was on her way over. I realized it might be awkward if she saw me with my new girlfriend, but I just shrugged it off.  (***UNFINISHED**)